Reality Check: I might have married a complete moron!

It's official… I've married out of stupidity. At least this time around and our latest story begins this past Monday in the wee hours of the morning. Where I'm awake the entire night (again) from the immense pain that my spinal cord damage brings me just about every day that ends in Y.

I'm trying to get some sleep because I have a physical therapy appointment at 6 am. And what happens? Of course I fall sleep at 5:15, wake up at 7:30, call the office to see if they can reschedule, and nope Mr. Porcupine is booked solid. Wonderful.

Mr. Porcupine is my physical therapist, and I'm pretty sure he has every master degree related to PT and even Oriental Medicine….and that he's the only person I'd let anyone stick a dozen needles sometimes 1/2" down into my neck and then start moving them around – on purpose. And before you even ask it's not acupuncture – it's dry needling. Something I would equate to being smacked with a porcupine for fun – thank god I have a developed a high threshold for pain even with my condition. Because you will not always be left unscathed from those sessions and most people wail while I have entire conversations without missing a heartbeat .

So yeah that was the first casualty of Monday. Then I decided it was finally time to call Dr. Lurch – My Neurologist as I've had some new symptoms that alarm me – like my entire right hand going numb – trust me when I tell you I've lived through this one before and it's always a bad sign in my experience – and if that weren't bad enough…. some other symptoms I have gotten worse… yep another bad omen. But thankfully I'm actually will see him in 9 hours or so – providing I get at least some sleep. Which I think will be a safe bet.

So back to Monday….. with that I finally catch a nap when my second husband, Mr. Coffee, comes home and yells up "Rip Van Winkle I'm Home" … Seriously??? If I could ACTUALLY sleep that may be appropriate and while it slightly annoyed me, so me and my trusty cane go down the stairs to tell him what's going on with my about my symptoms and what's concerning me.

Then his "passionate" voice starts to come out.

"Can't you go and see a specialist?".

At this point I'm wondering if he's paid any attention at all the last 2 years… because clearly when I say I'm going to the neurologist translates to him like :

I'm going to see a dentist about my spinal cord.

The stupidity unfortunately just counters his "passionate" voice and I pose the obvious question…

"Do you know what a neurologist does? What body parts he specializes in?"

The answer does not shock me in the slightest.


"Brain and spinal cord, so what kind of specialist where you thinking of? "

"One the specializes in Myelopathy"

At this point I'm convinced that not only has he not paid attention at any doctor visits because he's too busy telling them how to do their jobs – a key reason I don't bring him anymore unless it's absolutely unavoidable – you know it's bad when I ask my parents if they can take me before him. But it's also dawning on me I've married an idiot. And the voices are now full blown "passionate" as he likes to call it because he doesn't "yell"… yeah and I still believe in the Tooth Fairy. And for me to explain to him yet again why my case is so atypical would be a waste of breath.

"What do you think a neurologist does? Spinal cord is half the speciality and Dr. Lurch himself has Myelopathy -not as bad as I do, obviously"

At this point I'm wondering if he even knows what I have other than what it's called.

"One that does only Myelopathy"

"Do you even know what Myelopathy is?"

"Yeah it's a spinal cord thing"

Thank you, but Captain Obvious would like his hat back.

"Myelopathy is any neurological deficit in the spinal cord – you know the damage that the compression done over who knows how long…which is what the surgery fixed the compression but can't reverse the damage it did, but it the only way that a "Myelopathy doctor" would exist is a research doctor and I'm not going to be a guinea pig"

"Well I'm sick of arguing with you so take your miserable ass back upstairs. Happy f***ing Anniversary"

Wow ok. First of all cave man, anniversary is Tuesday, not Monday, but you'd know that if you wore your wedding ring because I had it engraved so you didn't have an excuse to forget.

[Insert huge face-palm here].

I'm certain my visit with Dr. Lurch will not be nearly this entertaining but the waiting room might be.

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