So what I've omitted during my harrowing struggle for my life as I know it, is many times I've come very close to leaving Mr. Coffee to reunite my marriage to my first husband – who no matter how many low points always was there for me and he in some way always be paired to my soul. We went through for better for worse and through sickness and in health way before we ever said our vows. We passed the test of time, and after 2 years of marriage therapy, I think that after dealing with our sons medical crisis for the first 4 years of his life, we forgot about us. We were both at fault – our individual pride got the best of us and led to our family's demise.
One thing I've always prided myself on is I've never cheated on anyone in my life – EVER! But somehow a few times along the way, my husband would reel me back in, like the magnets we were always were and before I knew it, I would cheat on Mr. Coffee with my first husband – both before and after Mr Coffee and I got married. I hated that I broke my mantra – I always thought my husband and I would reconcile but I was always terrified to leave Mr. Coffee because of his anger and past rages – especially if I were to leave to go back to my husband.
So after my surgery and during that year I was back at work, my husband and I had a misunderstanding. I told him I needed to save money for a divorce and pay off my medical bills from just having neurosurgery. Funny thing is I remember exactly where I was during that conversation – I was in my car, on my way home from work, at a stop light 2 blocks from work. Apparently what came out of my mouth didn't register as I want to come back home but I need to save money first. So he continued on his journey with his first serious relationship in 5 years post divorce, which I was oblivious to.
I constantly heard from my husband, come back home, stay home, you don't have to work, etc. Every single day we would talk and text and he would ask me how I was doing and if there was anything he could do to help me, etc. When I found out he took a trip with his girlfriend her and her daughter and my son, I questioned him on it and was told not to worry about it. Which wasn't the first time I heard that and they would always go. But in true drama fashion, that would change the course of things when I had to take disability.
But as it always happens, I found myself sleeping with him a couple of times this past winter. I knew something was way off when he didn't even want to kiss me and wouldn't look me in the eye. I was ready to come home and was met with oh that ship has sailed. But oh yeah sleeping with you on more than one occasion was a mistake but I refuse to call it a mistake. WTF?!?
Talk about a twisted knife into my heart. I finally believed his change was legit, he was constantly offering me a place to live and not work. All to be taken away in a heartbeat. To say I went off the rails is an understatement – I was ready to show up at his girlfriends house just across the state line with texts in hand proving his infidelity. But I didn't, I was always taught to be the bigger person, but this time I struggled to be even a person let alone a decent one. I became some rabid animal that totally became unhinged. I was absolutely enraged that I let myself be trusting and completely vulnerable and transparent and I can't think of any other time in my life where I had made to feel like the biggest fool ever.
I even thought about suicide a couple of times, never too seriously because of my past history with suicide of a close family
member that pains me still 26 years later, but I'm not going to lie and say I didn't think about it. While that would take all my physical and emotional pain away, it would scar my son for life, and while I hated myself for being duped and letting my guard down, and maybe even getting what I deserved, I couldn't ever do it to my son.
The worst part being is I finally realized after all the fun got taken away by this illness/injury that Mr. Coffee was only good for fun – not for better or for worse. What's even worse than that? Being stuck between a rock and hard place.
If I leave my marriage I will lose my insurance and will be left at the mercy of the federal government who can't even start a fire with gasoline and a match these days, or if I stay, I will continue to be miserable without the person I want to be with more than anything who probably won't admit that he doesn't want me back anymore because he couldn't be honest and call a couple of winter trysts a mistake.
I want to believe this is my time to grieve the marriage I left behind that didn't get the grief it deserved, but I don't. I can't help but feel jaded that I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life in pain – physical and or emotional. The physical pain I live with is a hands down medical fact that I will never have a pain free day – I may have fairly tolerable days and then I will have days that will require opiate based painkillers, all of this with another heavy duty pain patch.
I want to be able to peacefully let go and not feel the pain of half my life that feels like it's been wasted on the emotional side and destroyed because my love story is finally over and I will never be the same physically from my disease, and emotionally from the hurt of being gullible and trusting or maybe even worse is for 20 years I was completely delusional but sadly I know that I'm not. But when our true love stories end, we are never ready for them to end.
But who am I kidding? I want to believe the good in every single person exists, but when my current husband Mr. Coffee tells me he will put me in a nursing home is NOT comforting nor evening funny. Hell even if he ever found out I cheated he would murder me – and I dont say that lightly. He's one of those hair trigger my way or the highway and I don't get a f$&@ about other people or their feelings. (Please don't ask me what I was thinking getting involved with Mr. Coffee, I'm still trying to figure how I got myself into this mess)
My hope is that my continued daily meditation will show me the best path to travel and hope that I have the courage and strength to take that first step. In the meanwhile, enjoy the free show of the drama in this area that is therapeutic empowerment.